Make Your 2022 Extraordinary with Tanya Dalton—Productivity Pro and Author of “On Purpose”
Show Snapshot:
Sidetracked you from what lights you up? Ready to live with more intention and focus? We have a show to get your 2022 on track. Author and productivity expert Tanya Dalton has helped millions of people take ownership of their time, goals, and lives.
In this episode, Tanaya shares tools and practices from her latest book On Purpose: The Busy Woman's Guide to an Extraordinary Life of Meaning & Success that are designed to help you rise up and focus on what ignites you. Get ready to live a bigger life than your to-do list!
In This Episode We Cover:
1. What does it mean to “live on purpose?”
2. How to live a life that’s “bigger” than your to-do list
3. Make 2022 the year you move from “busy” to “intentional.”
4. The magic of doing nothing.
5. Stop thinking happiness needs to be “earned” – how to accept joy and peace.
6. The questions to ask to hone in your purpose, what lights you up, and gives you joy.
7. Forget goal-setting – think priorities, purpose and possibilities.
8. Hack your brain with “habit stacking” versus relying on willpower and discipline which often fail us.
9. Train your brain to rely on small steps to realize big goals.
10. Why the cost of greatness is commitment – and how to chose what to commit to in 2022.
Quotable:
Living on purpose isn't about changing who you are, it's about rising up and becoming the best version of you. It's about living bigger than your to-do list.
When people ask us how are you doing or what’s going on, we’re like, “Busy.” We answer with busy which is not an emotion, it’s not a conversation starter, it’s just a way of justifying that all this craziness, all this chasing our tail is meaningful in some way, shape, or form. And really, busy just means you’re running yourself ragged, it doesn’t mean you’re doing things that truly bring you joy and happiness.
More Resources:
Follow Tanya’s work:
Tanya’s Books:
On Purpose: The Busy Woman's Guide to an Extraordinary Life of Meaning and Success
The Joy of Missing Out: Live More by Doing Less
Tanya’s Podcast:
Transcript:
Katie Fogarty (0:03):
Welcome to A Certain Age, a show for women who are unafraid to age out loud. Have you ever gotten so caught up in the chaotic rush of your day, your week, your month and the busy, busy doing of life that you fail to pause, look around, and choose intentionally choose, how you are spending your time and energy, how you are spending your one wild and precious life? If you want 2022 to be the year you focus on what matters most to you, stick around, we have a fantastic show.
Productivity expert and best selling author and podcaster, Tanya Dalton, joins me to share ideas from her newest book On Purpose: The Busy Woman’s Guide To An Extraordinary Life Of Meaning & Success. Get ready to reclaim your time, make a bigger impact and be fully present in your personal life.
And I’m excited to announce that Tanya’s book, On Purpose, is kicking off a virtual book club for A Certain Age. Want to join the club? Buy the book at the A Certain Age bookshop over on indie bookseller, bookshop.org or wherever you buy books. And Tanya is joining A Certain Age listeners live for our Zoom bookclub on January 24th at noon EST/ 9 AM PST. Join us for this special book event and make 2022 your year. Welcome Tanya.
Tanya Dalton (1:24):
I’m so excited for this conversation.
Katie (1:26):
I am too, I am too. I love all the materials that I’ve seen, I’ve loved all the sneak peaks of the book. I cannot wait to buy it and get my hands on it and kick-off, you know, this month with your work. So, we’re at the start of 2022, if my listeners and myself crack open your book, what can we expect to find? What would it mean to live on purpose in this new year?
Tanya (1:51):
I like to say; living on purpose isn’t about changing who you are, it’s rising up and becoming the best version of you. It’s really about living bigger than our to-do list. I think so often, we’re so busy looking down at this crazy long list and we don’t really realize that we have the opportunity to look out on the horizon to see this bright, beautiful future ahead of us. So, living on purpose is looking out, deciding what it is you want in your life, what that vision looks like for you, and living each and every day on purpose; moving closer to that ideal vision of what it is you dream about.
Katie (2:28):
First of all, you had me at moving beyond your to-do list. [both laugh] I am so in. And I was also struck by the word ‘busy’ in your book title because I have three kids, I have two jobs, one husband. I feel busy.
Tanya (2:45):
Just one husband? With all that going on. [both laugh]
Katie (2:46):
Just one husband. [laughs] sometimes it feels like more but you know.
Tanya (2:51):
Sometimes it does.
Katie (2:52):
You know, we got a lot going on. As one of my friends, she’s kind of banned, she calls it the B-word, she doesn’t like to say busy, she says, “overly fulfilled.” So, you know, we’re overly fulfilled. And I’m wondering, how can we overly fulfilled, busy women begin to challenge ourselves in the way we think about what’s possible in our lives?
Tanya (3:13):
I like the sound of your friend. [Katie laughs] I feel like “busy” is this like, badge of honor. Where it’s one of those things where when people ask us how are you doing or what’s going on, we’re like, “Busy.” We answer with busy which is not an emotion, it’s not a conversation starter, it’s just a way of justifying that all this craziness, all this chasing our tail is meaningful in some way, shape, or form. And really, busy just means you’re running yourself ragged, it doesn’t mean you’re doing things that truly bring you joy and happiness.
But when it came time to come up with a subtitle for this book, I wanted to use The Busy Woman’s Guide because I wanted women to identify themselves, I wanted them to see that title and go, “Oh that’s me!” Because I think so often, when it comes to this idea of mindfulness or intentional living, I think that we believe, falsely, that we don’t have the time. We have so much going on that there’s no way we can be intentional and I wanted to really kind of have that juxtaposition of; you’re a busy woman, you can still live on purpose, you can still do the things your truly desire, the things you truly want to do that fill your cup up even though you have all these other things going on. And then it’s like, what can we really do to make you get some of those things off your plate? Right, how can we change that so you don’t feel like the busy woman, instead you feel like the intentional woman?
Katie (4:35):
That is so inspiring. I want to be the intentional woman. So, I’m committing myself to this for 2022. So how do we get her?
Tanya (4:45):
I like that.
Katie (4:46):
[laughs] My friend also says this too: you can’t realize a goal you haven’t set. So, I want to set the goal of feeling more intentional about how I’m spending my time. Because busy is something that I feel everyone is; it doesn’t matter if you are working from home, it doesn’t matter if you’re retired, if you’re managing kids, if you’re managing empty nests, if you’re managing aging parents. We live today in a world where we always have a lot going on. So, how do we use the tools in your book to narrow our focus so we can really prioritize the things that truly matter to us?
Tanya (5:24):
Well I think in today’s world, there’s almost this obligation to be busy, that if we’re not busy we’re somehow failing. Have you ever had a time where you have 15, 20 minutes to yourself, and everything is done and you feel like, “Oh wait, something’s wrong.”
Katie (5:40):
Yes.
Tanya (5:41):
Something cannot be right because there’s no way that I can have nothing to do for the next 15 minutes.
Katie (5:46):
Or you feel guilty.
Tanya (5:48):
Or you feel guilty.
Katie (5:49):
Like, I’m lying on the sofa, I’m not like, doing things.
Tanya (5:53):
Yes and we feel like doing is what we need to do to earn our happiness and the truth is, you don’t have to earn happiness, happiness is your birthright. You’re allowed to feel happy, you’re allowed to feel joy, you’re allowed to choose how you spend your time. And doing nothing, at times, very intentionally, is a great way to really make that happen. But we do, we feel really guilty. I feel like especially for those of you who are moms, I feel like they hand you your baby right after you’ve birthed it, along with this giant sac full of mom guilt where it’s like, you gotta keep going, you gotta always make sure you’re entertaining your kids, you have to always make sure you’re putting your kids first. And there’s a lot of guilt that built in our society about who we are as women and what should be fulfilling to us.
Katie (6:38):
Yes.
Tanya (6:38):
And you know, it’s okay not to be a hundred percent fulfilled by motherhood. It’s okay to be a hundred percent fulfilled by motherhood. Both are okay, but it makes it really hard, especially as you’re transitioning out of being in the trenches, right. Which is the point in my life where I am at my age, and certainly with a lot of your listeners that you’re speaking to, which I love, there’s this whole shifting of: wait, who am I? And what does this possibly look like if I’m not defined by motherhood or whatever it is I’ve done in the first part of my life? I’m not even gonna call it the first half necessarily, but the first part of my life. I’ve identified myself so strongly to that, how do I let go of that and shift into something different and new and is that wrong?
And the first thing is, is can we stop using the word guilt? Can we stop letting guilt be this thing that we just assume is part of everyday life? I think we just accept it as this is just the way life is, I feel bad about myself, I feel guilty. Humans are the only animals that experience guilt. If a leopard goes after an antelope and it misses it, it doesn’t slink away and feel terrible about itself [Katie laughs] and beat itself up for a week and a half, right.
Katie (8:05):
It’s not in a shame spiral about its inadequacy.
Tanya (8:09):
There’s no shame spiral, it’s just us as humans. And especially us as women where we have this diatribe going on in our brains about what it means to play a role in our society. And I think so often we think of ourselves as givers, and we give, and we give, and we give and we feel so guilty getting, right, or receiving. We have a hard time even receiving compliments. So, I really think the first thing is to stop and really reflect.
The first section of the book is reflection because I think it’s so important to take that intentional pause and start to ask yourself and figure out, who am I? What do I look like? If I’m stepping into something different, or something that’s outside of what I have always done, who am I? Why do I want these things? So, it is stopping and asking yourself those questions, diving into I like to say, before we started adulting. Before that cloak of adulthood came on us, like this heavy hood where we felt like we had to worry about paying the mortgage or the rent, all those things. Who did you want to be? Let’s dive into those things and figure out who you are so that you do know what that future looks like for you, who you want to be in moving forward.
Katie (9:29):
This is so important for a lot of my listeners too because a lot of women who tune into this show, they share that they’re at a transition point, not just with an empty nest but perhaps in their career. Maybe they’ve worked somewhere for a long time and they start to feel pushed out as they age and younger people come up. Or they’ve had a great career and they’re looking around and thinking, I’m not sure if I want to keep doing this. Is there an opportunity for something new? So, I do see that there are a lot of people, but it’s hard to let go of something where you’ve built up all this social capital and equity, even if it no longer works for you.
Tanya (10:08):
Oh, absolutely. I think those “30 Under 30” lists, those are great. But can we start having some 40 Over 40 lists, or 50 Over 50? I think there’s this whole belief in our society that if you don’t have it all figured out by the time you’re 25, it’s too late. It’s done, the ship has sailed, you can’t do something different or new because we’re afraid of looking dumb, we’re afraid of not knowing the things, or we’re afraid of what is that going to look like to everybody else? There is so much fear of what are other people going to think or what is this going to look like for me that it holds us back. When in truth, when we step into something that is brand new, that is different for us, we have this opportunity. We don’t even know what’s possible so we explore all the avenues. So many people didn’t even start their lives until they were 40 or 50 years old. Julia Child didn’t even know how to chop up onions until she was 40 years old. [Katie laughs] There are so many people… Vera Wang hadn’t sewn a wedding dress until she was 40 years old. I know for me, I closed my first business, opened inkWELL Press Productivity Co. when I was 40 years old.
Katie (11:24):
And it’s like a runaway success. You have all these amazing calendars and productivity products, tools, and courses beyond your books. I want to hear all about these in a few minutes. I also want to talk a little bit about what you call the three As model, which helps people get back on track toward their life goals. I’m excited to explore that, we’re gonna do that right after this very quick break.
[Ad break]
Katie (13:00):
Okay Tanya, we’re back. We’ve been talking about how sometimes we let go of our goals because we get very busy with our day to day and we kind of get stuck where we are. You explore several different methods in the book about goal setting, how to get back on track, how to set smart goals, or impact goals versus smart goals. Can you walk us through a little bit of that?
Tanya (13:24):
Yeah. So, I think this is the thing too, I think so often we feel like goals are everything, that you have to set all these goals and that’s the big thing and the truth is, goals are not the goal, goals are the vehicle to get you to the life you want. Goals are the stepping stones getting you to that big, bright, beautiful future that you dream about. So, that’s the first thing to recognize and realize, is we don’t just want to set goals in a vacuum. We don’t just want to look around, because I think that’s the biggest mistake that we make; we look around and we’re like, “Ooo, look at her over here, she’s doing amazing things, I should do what she’s doing." Or, “Look at her over here, she’s growing this incredible business, I need to set those same goals as she’s setting.” Because we’re looking around for those metrics of success, by looking at what everybody else is doing.
When we choose to set goals that are aligned with that big, bright, beautiful future we talk about, when they’re aligned with getting us to that vision of where we want to go, that’s when goals become more meaningful, that’s when we start to feel more motivation and more excitement for our goals so they naturally are things we want to work on, on a regular basis. And I think that’s probably one of the biggest secrets to really understand. We definitely dive into, how do you figure out the right goals for you? You know, there’s not a magic list.
Katie (14:39):
How do you? There’s not a magic list, I want a magic list. [laughs]
Tanya (14:43):
Everybody wants a magic list. [both laugh] My list is gonna be different than your list, it’s gonna be different than some of your listeners list. Every one of us is going to have unique goals based on what it is we want. In the book I draw this out, because I think it’s really important to take some of these abstract ideas and make them concrete. I draw it out like a timeline, you know like when you’re in second grade and you did like, you are here and then in the future? So, it looks just like that. So, “You are here,” on the left hand side and then off far to the right is your potential. Who you want to be, who you dream you could be, ten, twenty years down the road. This is really like, what’s your legacy? What do you want that to be? That’s your potential. That’s pretty far away and that feels really daunting and the idea of setting a goal for that is like, oh my gosh I don’t even know where to start.
So, if that’s your potential, let’s back up the timeline, let’s get a little closer to where you are today. If that’s your potential in ten, fifteen, twenty years, what is possible in three to five years? What could you do, possibly, to get you closer to that potential in the next three to five years? So, we’re getting closer, but that’s still pretty far away. We’re gonna back up our timeline a little bit more. So, we have our potential, ten to twenty years, then what’s possible, three to five. What’s practical in 12 months or 18 months? What could you do, practically, in the next year, year and a half? See how we’re getting closer to where you are today?
Katie (16:10):
Yes, it feels more manageable.
Tanya (16:11):
It feels more manageable but let’s go even closer. If this is what’s practical in the next 12 to 18 months, what do I need to prioritize? What are my priorities in the next 3 months? The next 6 months? The next 9 months? Those priorities, those are your goals. You see how they’re aligned? They’re getting you to that first landmark of your practical landmark, of what’s practical in the next 12 to 18 months. Then that leads you to that possible landmark that you created, getting you to your potential. That’s how you start with that big vision and back it up, back it up, back it up and make it where it’s like, oh this is what I need to focus on for the next three months to get me to that big, beautiful future? That I can do. And that’s really, one of the things that makes life feel so much easier, it’s that simplicity, making it achievable, making it bite-sized where it’s like, oh I can easily do that.
Katie (17:08):
Tanya, I can see why your podcast is so phenomenally popular because I feel like I could listen to you talk about this every morning. I need you to tell me every morning [Tanya laughs] that if I just remember to focus on my priorities I’m gonna get where I want to go. Because you do, you need that reinforcement. Part of me feels like I could know this but I just need that hand-holding. You actually share some fascinating brain research in the book that explains why we have a hard time maybe investing or believing in our future selves and really doing the things that we need to do that you just outlined. Can you share a little bit more about that?
Tanya (17:43):
Oh yeah. I love to nerd out just a little bit into brain research. [Katie laughs] I love brain research and here’s why I love it. I feel like we hear research about this is how your brain works and we go, “Oh okay so I’m totally normal."
Katie (17:58):
Right, which feels so good.
Tanya (17:59):
Or, "This is why my brain does this. I’m not alone, or a weirdo, or a freak.” This is totally how my brain works and when we understand how our brain works, we can change it, we can shift it, we can choose to tweak how it’s working.
So, what I think is really fascinating is there is this disconnect in who we are today versus who we are in the future and one of my favorite studies is this study where they do an fMRI study, which is basically a machine that watches the brain to see which areas light up. So when the participants of the study would talk about themselves in the present tense, in today, a certain area of their brain would light up like a Christmas tree. It lights up and then the researchers say, “Okay talk about yourself in the future.” So, the future could be three years from now, could be three months from now, could be three hours from now. But when the participants spoke about themselves in the future, a very different area of the brain would light up. Very different than the area where they talked about themselves today. Here’s what’s most fascinating: when those same participants would talk about Natalie Portman or Matt Damon, that same area of their brain would light up as did when they talked about their future self. So, in other words: to your brain, you in the future is not you, it’s some stranger that looks like you and talks like you and has the same name as you but isn’t really you. Your brain is wired for survival which means it’s really focused on today and it doesn’t care about what’s happening in the future, it just cares about can we make it through today, can we breathe in and out and make it alive past the saber-toothed tiger? Right, this is our caveman brain.
Katie (19:38):
Or this is why we eat the chocolate cake when it’s right in front of us, because we can’t picture summer bathing suits. We’re like, I am excited about what’s right in front of me. So fascinating.
Tanya (19:46):
I don’t care, I want the chocolate cake. This is why we have a hard time investing in our 401(k) as well.
Katie (19:52):
Yes, now I feel bad. [laughs]
Tanya (19:53):
You know another study they did was how much people wanted to put away for their 401(k) and the amount would change based on whether they just made the investment looking in a mirror, looking at themselves today, versus looking at an age-progressed picture of themselves. When you look at an age-progressed picture of yourself, you will save more money for your 401(k).
Katie (20:14):
This is so fascinating.
Tanya (20:14):
So, we can totally hack our brain, right. We can take a picture of you in the summer and post that in front of the chocolate cake so you remember, oh that’s what I want to look like in the future. Or we can take our picture and superimpose on somebody crossing the finish line of a marathon, if you want to run a marathon. Or you know, there’s all kinds of age progressing filters that we can find for free online; age progress some pictures of yourself to really think about when you’re investing in yourself and in your future. So, it’s fascinating when you understand, this is why I have struggled in the past, this is why I choose the cookie over the carrot, time and time again. And that’s okay, this is how my brain works. Now that I know it, I can change it. See the power in that? I think it’s really incredible.
Katie (20:57):
Yes. You do have to recognize things to understand how to react to them because otherwise, your brain lies to you a lot; this is how it is and how it will always be. Don’t get me wrong, I like my brain, we have a nice relationship, but I do feel that it can tell you things that aren’t always true. It has to be this way, or it’s always been that way or that’s too hard. And sometimes if you say to yourself, well why not be, why not something different? Then you can really, you have to push yourself.
So, is this why you say in the book that willpower and discipline are overrated? Explain that a little bit more. I’m thinking about the chocolate cake [Tanya laughs] sometimes we think…
Tanya (21:38):
Now I need to get a piece of chocolate cake so thanks for that.
Katie (21:40):
I know, my stomach’s actually rumbling which is why I’m focused on chocolate cake. I had too tiny a lunch, too long ago. But I am thinking about how we realize our goals and sometimes we can feel down on ourselves because we think, “Oh if I only had more discipline, if I only had greater willpower then X would be happening.” We seed too much power to willpower and discipline. I don’t have that, so, therefore, X can’t happen. And that’s not really true. I think we have to recognize that we have more agency over our decisions than we think. Tell me about that, tell me about what you think.
Tanya (22:22):
Absolutely, oh yeah. First of all, our brain loves patterns. It loves patterns. If I said, “Red, yellow, blue, red, yellow, blue, red, yellow…”. You said, “Blue" in your head. You said it because your brain is like, oh I know what’s coming next. And that helps keep our brain safe, which protects us. It reminds our brain not to fire because one time we touched the fire we got burned, now we know. So, our brain is constantly shortcutting so that it can make decisions really quickly. It has to make a lot of decisions; it has to make your heart beat, it’s got to make your lungs breathe, it’s gotta do all those things, it’s gotta make you jerk your foot up when you step barefoot on a Lego. You don’t have to think about it, it just does it automatically.
So, our brain loves these patterns and we do, we get into this pattern of this is just the way life is, this is just how it is, one day when I retire, then I can be happy, one day when the kids are out of school then I can finally do the things we want to do. We get into these patterns of belief, and what happens is, we need to break those patterns. And we have the ability to do that and I think that a lot of times we do want to blame willpower or discipline because we feel like it’s this magical thing that we just don’t have enough of and the truth is, there is no willpower, there is no discipline. The people that you see in the world that look highly disciplined, they just have established these amazing habits that they stack one after the next so that way they look really disciplined but the truth is, I don’t want to be disciplined, that sounds awful, it sounds boring. [Katie laughs] I equate it to white couches. I love the idea of a white couch, I’m in love with the idea of a white couch. I’ll pin pictures all day long on Pinterest of a white couch living room. And it’s like this, “Oh that sounds amazing.” But then I remember, I have two kids, we like to have a movie night, I have animals in the house. That’s impossible, it would be such a nightmare to be constantly cleaning it.
Katie (24:13):
You don’t want to maintain it exactly.
Tanya (24:16):
No, I don’t want that at all. So, what we wanna do is instead of thinking I don’t have enough willpower, let’s build a cycle of self-trust. Because what it is, is we don’t believe in ourselves. We don’t think we can do those things because we haven’t done them before.
Katie (24:29):
How do you build that cycle? That sounds so fascinating.
Tanya (24:32):
Yeah. Well, if you just start with a tiny action, a little tiny habit, let’s say that you feel like you’re never gonna be organized, here’s a tiny habit you can do: make your bed. That’s going to take you like, what, 5 minutes? Not even that, 2 minutes tops, to make your bed. We can habit stack that, so after you brush your teeth, the next thing you’re gonna do is make your bed. What you’re doing is you’re establishing a habit for yourself that you’re doing automatically and this small, tiny action builds your motivation because suddenly every time you walk in the room you’re like, “Oh look how good the bed looks, that’s amazing, I did pretty good today.” Three days in a row. “Wow, I’m getting pretty organized,” 5 days in a row. We start to build that motivation which creates and a big win. We get that big win, we get more motivation, which builds more self-trust which leads to bigger actions.
I think that’s the thing; we get caught up in the giant leaps of life. We look at where we are now and where we want to go and it’s a giant chasm between those two things. It’s like the Grand Canyon. And we feel like what we need to do is we need to build a jet pack so we can zoom across to the other side. So, we’ll spend 20 to 30 years trying to tinker together, build this jet pack to zoom across this chasm when in truth, if we just put one foot in front of the other, one small step, one tiny step each day, going down the walls of the canyon, across and up the other side, we’d be on the other side in no time at all. It’s the small actions, the tiny actions that really add up and make the biggest difference.
Katie (26:04):
I feel so motivated right now. I don’t even know what I want to do but I want to get up and do something. [both laugh] You made me think of this funny expression that I use sometimes which is: you know how to eat an elephant, don’t you? One bite at a time.
Tanya (26:18):
Yeah. One bite at a time.
Katie (26:19):
One bite at a time. The only way to get through big things is to do the small things. And I think sometimes that we want it to be fast or flashy or you know, to your point, we see people who seem to have discipline, they’ve been running a marathon, or they’re winning a movie, or they wrote a book and we see the success at the end and we don’t see all the little small steps that they took to get there and we don’t recognize sometimes that we too can take those steps. There’s nothing standing in our way sometimes, but us. So, once you figured out your goal and you’ve figured out that these small habit stacking practices could help you get there, how do you keep going or what happens when you have a bad day or a bad week and you sort of fall out? How do you reignite purpose when times are hard?
Tanya (27:19):
Yeah, I mean the truth is that you’re gonna get off track. Because you know what? You’re human. So, we find ourselves off track from time to time. In the book I talk about, I have a section of the book called “Alteration" because we’re gonna have to alter our plans from time to time. You know why? Life. Because life demands flexibility and demands grace. Things happen in our world and we’re gonna have to shift from time to time. And if you make plans that are so rigid that they’re made of glass, they’re gonna shatter. There’s a reason why bridges and buildings are made to be flexible; so they can withstand the winds of a tornado or a hurricane. We need that same flexibility in our planning as well.
So, I think it’s really important to stop occasionally and do a reflection exercise. For myself, I do it at least every quarter and in my goal setting planner that I have for inkWELL Press, we have that built-in there because it’s so important to have an intentional pause. And when you have this pause, we do what I call the three As. Acknowledge, Assess, and Adjust.
The first step is you just Acknowledge. You go, “Oh I got off track, look at that.” Now, I didn’t say beat yourself up for a week, tell yourself you’re the worst, or start this negative self-talk, it’s just acknowledging, “Okay, I was on the highway to this goal and I was going 80 miles an hour and suddenly I’m on this other route and I don’t know how I got off.” So, just acknowledging it.
Second A is Assess. Okay, do I like where I am? Do I want to go back on the highway? Sometimes we set a goal for ourselves and three months down the road, or two weeks down the road we go, you know what I don’t really think that goal is for me. We feel guilty, we feel like if we quit, we’re a quitter and quitters never win, winners never quit, [Katie laughs] right? Which is the biggest lie out there.
Katie (29:08):
Of course!
Tanya(29:08):
It’s okay to quit. It’s okay to say, you know what, I don’t really like that highway I was on towards that goal. I’m on this mountain pass, this is really nice. I like this. Oftentimes we don’t even know those opportunities that are there on that alternative route until we get there. We didn’t even know those other opportunities were there and sometime we’re like, Wow this is not at all what I thought, I think I want to stay on this pass. Or, I want to go on this little opportunity over here instead. Or it might be, you know what, I do want to get back on that highway, that goal is still for me. All right.
Then we need to get to that third A, which is Adjust. Adjust the goal, by either changing it all together and changing that you’re now on this mountain pass, or okay. What do I need to adjust in order to create that time for myself? I need to not find the time but make the time. What habits do I need to establish? What kind of adjustments do I need to make? That way you either get back on that highway, or you stay on that mountain pass where you’re happy.
Katie (30:10):
You just reminded me of something. It goes back to what we were saying earlier in the show about the word busy. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves, what are we doing with our time? I had to have this honest conversation with myself a number of years ago, my children were younger. Right now they’re 21, 18, and 14. But there was a time where I couldn’t leave the house because everyone was under 12 and I remember saying to myself, I can’t do certain things because I’m so busy being a mom. And then I realized; I’m playing tennis, I’m watching TV, I’m reading a book, I was doing things that I enjoyed. I was spending every weekend hanging out with friends and I realized, huh, if I want these things that I say I can’t have because I have small children, that’s not necessarily true. You know, I really need to look at how I’m spending my time and be more honest with myself, but that’s hard to do sometimes.
Tanya (31:08):
It is, it’s really hard to do because it means taking an honest assessment. Really taking a good look and means taking some of the judgment and the emotions out of it. I think that’s really important to do. In meditation, we call it being the observer, like observing your life. And that’s what good reflection is, it’s being an observer in your life. It’s not being in it and feeling the emotions. The way I like to do it personally is, I say to myself, what would Erika say? Erika is the name of my best friend and my best friend is not going to talk to me the way that my voice inside my head will talk to me. Erika will say, “No you don’t look fat in those pants, they just don’t quite fit right, it’s not the right cut for you.” Right? Erika will say, “You’re not a bad mom, look at all these things you’ve done well.” So, what I do, is I take a good look at how I’m spending my time and I think to myself, what would Erika say to me right now. She wouldn’t tell me I was terrible, she wouldn’t tell me I was awful, she would never say those things. I would, I would say them to me.
So, if I get outside of myself and I take that emotional part of me out, and I look at myself as an observer, as my best friend, it helps give me a lot of clarity. Because I’m not getting caught up in the emotions of being a bad mom, being the worst boss, being whatever it is I’m going to beat myself up about. Because we have these stories that we tell ourselves; these stories about what a good wife does, what a good friend does. All these things that are like, a good mom never forgets to pick up her kids, a good mom always has baked cookies when the kids get off the bus, those kinds of stories that we tell ourselves. And it takes those stories off the table, clears the shelf a little bit so we can really take a good look at ourselves.
Katie (32:50):
I love that, everyone needs an Erika, or everyone needs an Erika voice in their heads saying nice things to you.
Tanya (32:55):
Yes, Yes absolutely.
Katie (32:57):
I’m curious, has writing this book changed your idea or purpose and productivity in the process of writing it? Or has your sense of your own purpose changed at all as you’ve aged?
Tanya (33:11):
Oh absolutely, absolutely. And I think it should change. I think especially as we get older—I hate to use the term older here for goodness sake—as we mature? I don’t know what word to use here.
Katie (33:21):
We get more experience, as we get more experience.
Tanya (33:21):
As we get more experience, that’s the truth, we get more experience we get more knowledge. I equate it to having a backpack on our back. We’re going through life and we’re gathering together these experiences, this knowledge, these lessons that we learn from the things that don’t go well or the failures that we have and we forget that we have it because it’s on our back. You gotta take the backpack off, you’ve gotta unzip it and unpack it, you’re gonna be shocked at how much is there, right. It really is amazing.
And so for me, when I sat down to write this book you know, I sat down, I outlined this book, I had a whole writing plan for myself, I mapped it all out beautifully in February of 2020. And then March of 2020 happened and all of a sudden, I had two kids at home that I was homeschooling—I had no plans for that, of homeschooling kids—I’m filling out paperwork for the government for my business, I’m trying to hold my team together, navigate all these different shifts and everything else that was happening in the world. And what was amazing is the plans I had laid, I had thought that I was gonna write a book that was about goal setting, that was all about goals. And in that very intentional pause that the entire world took, I was watching all the people in my world who were asking questions like why am I doing the things I’m doing? Is this all that there is? Am I happy in my job? Do I like the way I’m living? I was like, oh this book is not supposed to be about goals. Goals are the vehicle to get us the purpose. So, really diving into that idea of who we want to be.
I think for me that has certainly shifted and changed and evolved over time as I’ve gained more in my own backpack. It’s a heavy backpack, you don’t even realize you’re wearing it half the time. I really want to encourage your listeners to really think about what is in your backpack. Take it out, take it off, unzip it, take a look at it, you’re gonna be amazed at what’s in there and you’re gonna be really proud of yourself for all the things that are in there that you forgot about.
Katie (35:21):
Exactly. Or some of the things that you need to jettison. When you said backpack I was thinking of my 14-year old’s backpack when he brings it home at the end of the school year I’m like what is in this backpack? [laughs] There are some scary things.
Tanya (35:31):
Oh my gosh, I can’t even talk about the backpack at the end of the school year. [laughs]
Katie (35:33):
So, there’s some stuff in your backpack that’s amazing and there’s some stuff that’s like, why am I hauling around all this trash? Time to get rid of this.
Tanya (35:39):
Yeah, it’s just weighing you down. Then we wonder why our back hurts, that’s why.
Katie (35:44):
Exactly. There’s good stuff you want to hang onto and then there’s stuff that’s like, this has got to go, circular file it. This book has so many wonderful chapters and prompts, we can’t cover them all today.
I’m so excited to be diving into this, I’m encouraging our listeners to buy the books for themselves, shop indie, or get it anywhere you buy books but I think it’s a really fun thing to be focusing on during this time of year. Because we are at the 2-year mark with the pandemic, most of us in midlife, this is the time where we are asking ourselves, what do I want? And this book has wonderful, wonderful prompts and blueprints to share. What is one exercise from it that you use again and again in your own life?
Tanya (36:34):
I would say, there’s an activity that I call the Pie Exercise where we talk about the myth of the multi-passionate person, that we have to stop calling ourselves multi-passionate because everybody is multi-passionate. We all love more than one thing. If there’s definitely one thing that I struggle with… And when I’m writing books, a lot of times, I’m not an expert because I have it all figured out, I’m not a perfect person, it’s because I know these are the struggles that I have, or other people that I know have and experience.
My biggest struggle is that I have 75 ideas and every one of those ideas has about 32 variations. It’s a lot of ideas. [Katie laughs] So, there’s this exercise where we talk about narrowing in, that the cost of greatness is commitment. Committing and choosing where you want to focus. So, there’s an activity where we go through where we talk about what are your powers, what is the impact it’s gonna create in your life and other people, and then the excitement. It’s super easy to do. I love activities that are really easy for you to manage and to be able to do but it’s so insightful and I feel like it gives me so much clarity when I do it.
Katie (37:37):
Fantastic, I cannot wait to do that myself. Okay, we’re moving into the speed round, close of our show because our time is beginning to end. The speed round is something I’ve been doing at the end of each show. I really love it because I could talk to my guests for so much longer than we have time for and it’s just a chance to have a quick one, two-word answer, maybe even a short sentence if you need, to complete these different thoughts. So, I’m gonna start with a few of the prompts from your book, On Purpose. What’s one way you’ve stepped outside of your comfort zone in the last month?
Tanya (38:08):
Ooo, in the last month? Gosh, that’s a tough one. [laughs]
Katie (38:11):
We’ll say a few months. You’ve been busy writing books, in the last few months.
Tanya (38:14):
I have been busy writing books. I would say I’ve made the decision to close certain parts of my business, things that I was doing in the past. Oh actually, you know what it is, I know what it is. I’ve made a decision and I’ve just made a proclamation that I’m getting off social media.
Katie (38:29):
Ooo, okay, that’s a big…
Tanya (38:31):
Yeah, it’s pretty big. It’s frightening because it's like, people are like, well how are you going to run your business? I’m like, I don’t know, but I’m excited by the fact that I’m going to be challenging myself.
Katie (38:41):
Interesting, I love that. Okay, you also say as one of your prompts, we are filling our calendars, which I can really relate to. But then you ask, are we filling our souls? What’s something that fills your soul?
Tanya (38:54):
I love spending time outside.
Katie (38:57):
Nice.
Tanya (38:58):
Going outside, just enjoying the outdoors.
Katie (39:00):
Your first book was The Joy of Missing Out, which is such a fabulous title. You talk about in that book, learning about how to say the right noes and how to determine the right yeses. What’s something for you now that’s always a no?
Tanya (39:15):
Always a no?
Katie (39:17):
Or often a no, often a no.
Tanya (39:19):
Often a no is when people ask me to, I get a lot of questions about going on boards and doing those kinds of things and I have to really want to do it because it’s a commitment and I want to give the best me to the fewer boards that I’m on.
Katie (39:34):
Great. So what is something that’s always a yes?
Tanya (39:38):
My family.
Katie (39:40):
Totally get that one. Okay, finally on the idea of choosing to choose which you really talk about a lot in the book On Purpose. What’s something new you’ve chosen that your younger self could never have imagined?
Tanya (39:52):
Oh gosh, these are really tough questions.
Katie (39:54):
Most of them are yours. [both laugh]
Tanya (39:59):
Gosh, oh boy. Something I have chosen, I think really choosing to go against the status quo with a lot of things, really choosing to stand on my own two feet regardless of what other people think. I think that’s one of the benefits of the experience we gain along the way is that we get to a point where we’re like, it doesn’t matter what everybody else is doing, this is what’s important to me and feeling really good about it.
Katie (40:24):
I love it, I love it. We’re ending on that note.
This has been such a pleasure. I have loved spending time with you today and I’m really excited about our event at the end of January. Before we say goodbye though, how can our listeners find you and your books and learn more about your work?
Tanya (40:40):
Yeah, so the best place to find me is my website tanyadalton.com. you can find links to my podcast the Intentional Advantage there, you can also find links to both of my books, The Joy of Missing Out and On Purpose, both of which of course as you’ve said, are available anywhere books are sold. So, that’s the best place, tanyadalton.com, and then of course show up for the book club. I would love to connect with you all during the book club that we’re gonna be doing together at the end of January. That sounds like a lot of fun, I love chatting with people about the book and helping you dive into those concepts in your own life.
Katie (41:12):
That was Tanya Dalton on her latest book On Purpose: The Busy Woman’s Guide To An Extraordinary Life Of Meaning & Success. Ready to reclaim your time and better focus on what matters most to you? Join us for the book club on January 24th, noon Eastern Standard Time, 9 AM Pacific Standard Time. Find registration in the show notes at acertainagepod.com and over on Instagram @acertainagepod.
This wraps A Certain Age, a show for women who are aging without apology. All January long we are focusing on rebooting the systems that support and guide us. Tune in next Monday when sleep doctor and expert on insomnia and women’s sleep issues, Dr. Shelby Harris helps us get our Zzzs on.
Special thanks to Michael Mancini who composed and produced our theme music. See you next time and until then: age boldly, beauties.